Deus Ex Is Excellent
I really want you to understand how great a series Deus Ex is, but it's difficult if you haven't played it. It's like when you're young and fancy a really fit girl that you want to bounce up and down on your third eye, but the words to convey the emotion escape you. Do you lead with "I'd like to start a forest fire by giving you the fast arse treatment" or simply "Hi. Do you fancy a fuck?"?
The reality is you're too young to have the balls to say either, so you just stare at her like some grinning stalker gimp, with a noticeable erection. She giggles, pointing in between your legs. At first you think she might be flirting, until you look down to see your pitching a tent.
"Oh no it's not an hard-on!" you reply, with your cheeks burning so brightly red you could be used as a fucking traffic light signal. "My Chapstick must have stood up in my pocket!" you shout out. (Which honestly mate, is the gayest thing you could have said at that point, you're even embarrassing me now.)
She bursts out in a fit of laughter, then the unimaginable happens - you jizz yourself. It seems this attractive girl ridiculing you in public has caused you to bust a bollock right there and then. As the girl notices your face turn into a bemused down syndrome kid doing a Sea Lion impression, her smile fades. She then notices the dark wet patch, on your light coloured shorts, which betrays current events and a look of disgust sets up home on her face.
You have to say something to ease this fucking awkward situation! It's not like the ground would open up and swallow you - God you wish the ground would open up right now. I've got to fucking say something, you scream in your head. Then it pops out "I love you!". Oh no, what have you done now?
A bigger lad comes over, attracted by the girl laughing earlier. "What is it babe?" he says to the girl. But before she can answer he falls into a fit of laughter, pointing at your wet patch. "Hahaha, you pissed yourself!" His amusement is interrupted by your Sea Lion impression. His hysterics quickly turn to a chuckle as the wet patch gets even bigger. (Oh shit, you've done it again.)
"Eew, are you still pissing, mate? Just go behind a wall if....". His helpful advice is quickly interrupted by the girl announcing "It's spunk. He was spunking at me."
The reality is you're too young to have the balls to say either, so you just stare at her like some grinning stalker gimp, with a noticeable erection. She giggles, pointing in between your legs. At first you think she might be flirting, until you look down to see your pitching a tent.
"Oh no it's not an hard-on!" you reply, with your cheeks burning so brightly red you could be used as a fucking traffic light signal. "My Chapstick must have stood up in my pocket!" you shout out. (Which honestly mate, is the gayest thing you could have said at that point, you're even embarrassing me now.)
She bursts out in a fit of laughter, then the unimaginable happens - you jizz yourself. It seems this attractive girl ridiculing you in public has caused you to bust a bollock right there and then. As the girl notices your face turn into a bemused down syndrome kid doing a Sea Lion impression, her smile fades. She then notices the dark wet patch, on your light coloured shorts, which betrays current events and a look of disgust sets up home on her face.
You have to say something to ease this fucking awkward situation! It's not like the ground would open up and swallow you - God you wish the ground would open up right now. I've got to fucking say something, you scream in your head. Then it pops out "I love you!". Oh no, what have you done now?
A bigger lad comes over, attracted by the girl laughing earlier. "What is it babe?" he says to the girl. But before she can answer he falls into a fit of laughter, pointing at your wet patch. "Hahaha, you pissed yourself!" His amusement is interrupted by your Sea Lion impression. His hysterics quickly turn to a chuckle as the wet patch gets even bigger. (Oh shit, you've done it again.)
"Eew, are you still pissing, mate? Just go behind a wall if....". His helpful advice is quickly interrupted by the girl announcing "It's spunk. He was spunking at me."
that spunk was meant for your girlfriend
It was either the impending arse beating you were about to take or contemplating the grammatical correctness of the girl's last statement that lead your tourettes' brain to diarrhoea out, "I was fucking her!". What you meant to say was, 'I wanted to fuck her', as if that would have set things straight.
Now as things go you just lay there while the boyfriend weighs into you with fists and feet, shouting obscenities at you, your particular favourite being "fucking faggot trying to fuck my girlfriend, you fucking faggot". All the while you're pondering "You know what, that spunk was meant for your girlfriend. And things have changed as to what classes as sex. Fuck me, two lesbians rubbing mounds together is considered sex these days and there's no cocks involved there. Surely the lack of penetration isn't going to count against me scoring this one on the bedboard? You know what, yeah why not, why can't this political Gerrymandering of what's right and wrong work for me for once? So yeah, abnormally big lad for your age, I did fuck your girlfriend. Feel free beating the shit out of me, Mr 'I can't take a joke'."
Now as things go you just lay there while the boyfriend weighs into you with fists and feet, shouting obscenities at you, your particular favourite being "fucking faggot trying to fuck my girlfriend, you fucking faggot". All the while you're pondering "You know what, that spunk was meant for your girlfriend. And things have changed as to what classes as sex. Fuck me, two lesbians rubbing mounds together is considered sex these days and there's no cocks involved there. Surely the lack of penetration isn't going to count against me scoring this one on the bedboard? You know what, yeah why not, why can't this political Gerrymandering of what's right and wrong work for me for once? So yeah, abnormally big lad for your age, I did fuck your girlfriend. Feel free beating the shit out of me, Mr 'I can't take a joke'."
So you see I'll not try to mess this up.
Deus Ex and let's be clear, I mean the early games, are like your mothers boobs, they don't look like much now but they are still great to play with (by the way I mean me playing with your mother's old saggy boobs, not you - I don't want to cause offence). Everything is there that you want (we're back on Deus Ex, not your mother's titties by the way). Futuristic dystopian setting, atmospheric music and a surly macho man in the form of your character - what more could you want? How about the odd bit of cheesy dialogue and some conspiracy theory content. Seriously the early Deus Ex games are gold with actual replay value, so how do you top that?
Surely any new Deus Ex game is going to be watered down horse piss for the 'dummed down shit' market which is a huge money spinner. Well surprisingly - no. No, Deus Ex Human Revolution is a pretty fucking good game, you cynical ball mouther. I've even heard some people moan about the shitty filter over the game, which let's tell the truth is only a problem if you're playing with your head up your arse. The colour scheme is mint and really helps set the atmosphere of the Deus Ex world. My only gripe with Deus Ex Human Revolution has to be the lack of a peaceful way of ending a boss fight.
You know, you give yourself a bad back crawling around the game with your slippers on taking down enemies with a pillow, only to play drunken amateur surgeon on the bosses face - kind of fucks with your play style. In fairness the Deus Ex developers could argue those people are destined to die anyway, as the events in the recent Deus Ex games take place (in the time line of Deus Ex that is) before the earlier Deus Ex games. But even that excuse sounds like horse shit to me, as we're not all sat here with the story in front of us and it's not like it's based on real events (well some of it is) anyway. No the lack of a non-violent way to finish bosses is the boil on the arse hole of this game if you ask me.
Deus Ex and let's be clear, I mean the early games, are like your mothers boobs, they don't look like much now but they are still great to play with (by the way I mean me playing with your mother's old saggy boobs, not you - I don't want to cause offence). Everything is there that you want (we're back on Deus Ex, not your mother's titties by the way). Futuristic dystopian setting, atmospheric music and a surly macho man in the form of your character - what more could you want? How about the odd bit of cheesy dialogue and some conspiracy theory content. Seriously the early Deus Ex games are gold with actual replay value, so how do you top that?
Surely any new Deus Ex game is going to be watered down horse piss for the 'dummed down shit' market which is a huge money spinner. Well surprisingly - no. No, Deus Ex Human Revolution is a pretty fucking good game, you cynical ball mouther. I've even heard some people moan about the shitty filter over the game, which let's tell the truth is only a problem if you're playing with your head up your arse. The colour scheme is mint and really helps set the atmosphere of the Deus Ex world. My only gripe with Deus Ex Human Revolution has to be the lack of a peaceful way of ending a boss fight.
You know, you give yourself a bad back crawling around the game with your slippers on taking down enemies with a pillow, only to play drunken amateur surgeon on the bosses face - kind of fucks with your play style. In fairness the Deus Ex developers could argue those people are destined to die anyway, as the events in the recent Deus Ex games take place (in the time line of Deus Ex that is) before the earlier Deus Ex games. But even that excuse sounds like horse shit to me, as we're not all sat here with the story in front of us and it's not like it's based on real events (well some of it is) anyway. No the lack of a non-violent way to finish bosses is the boil on the arse hole of this game if you ask me.
sit in your own faeces wearing only a soiled pair of y-fronts
What Deus Ex Human Revolution does do right, along with the fucking great graphics, is it puts you in the game. By that I mean you feel like the bad ass when you take out a guard (oh somewhere nice I hope). You actually feel you're moving through a real working world set in the future and feel that your actions are actually affecting the procession of events (directly or indirectly).
As for the Deus Ex Human Revolution music - it's slick as fuck. I'm listening to the Deus Ex Human Revolution soundtrack as I write this little chat for "scientific research" purposes ( yes it is classed as research...don't judge me with you bastard eyes) and it has all the right elements. Marrying that futuristic sound, with a kind of classic elegance feel to it. By that I mean when Adam Jensen is in his futuristic flat, you can imagine you're there in this stylish home, possibly sipping on a whisky looking out the window at the neo glow of the city outside, like a scene from Blade Runner. Instead of real life, where you sit in your own faeces wearing only a soiled pair of y-fronts you've had on for ten years and the slippers your dad gave you. Spending all your time wanking in your elderly mother's basement, where you live and keep all your stray cats - only kidding, I got rid of the slippers.
But what I'm really saying is Deus Ex Human Revolution does that thing games are finding it harder to do - give you a bit of escapism. It raises some important questions for problems we will face in our future, things like eugenics, nanotechnology and augmentation. As well as current conspiracy theories which are only discussed by fringe people, which is a shame because it's some really interesting stuff.
As for the Deus Ex Human Revolution music - it's slick as fuck. I'm listening to the Deus Ex Human Revolution soundtrack as I write this little chat for "scientific research" purposes ( yes it is classed as research...don't judge me with you bastard eyes) and it has all the right elements. Marrying that futuristic sound, with a kind of classic elegance feel to it. By that I mean when Adam Jensen is in his futuristic flat, you can imagine you're there in this stylish home, possibly sipping on a whisky looking out the window at the neo glow of the city outside, like a scene from Blade Runner. Instead of real life, where you sit in your own faeces wearing only a soiled pair of y-fronts you've had on for ten years and the slippers your dad gave you. Spending all your time wanking in your elderly mother's basement, where you live and keep all your stray cats - only kidding, I got rid of the slippers.
But what I'm really saying is Deus Ex Human Revolution does that thing games are finding it harder to do - give you a bit of escapism. It raises some important questions for problems we will face in our future, things like eugenics, nanotechnology and augmentation. As well as current conspiracy theories which are only discussed by fringe people, which is a shame because it's some really interesting stuff.