Steam sales suck money out of your wallet faster than a £20 hooker can extricate semen out of your overly sensitive testicles with her gummy appendage-pleaser.
Just like your brief encounter (ha briefs, as in under crackers) with gummy Anne, you have to look out for the warning signs, that your not being sweet talked into a rash decision ( ha rash, like stds - boom).
Are those scabs on her lips part of her thrifty lifestyle, smoking cigs into the filter, only stopping when they burn her skin? Or would putting your old man anywhere near this walking cornflake factory result in your gentiles taking on the "just fucked a hornets nest" look to them?
Now while I wont give you advice on women, I will try to steer you clear in the Steam sales. Because the Steam sales really do have some deals you shouldn't pass up. Use common sense and always wear a rubber while you shop on Steam, taking care to read the Steam user reviews.
That being said let's crack on with what you should buy, by telling you what I'm looking out for.
Stardew Valley ticks all the boxes for your inner megalomaniac. Fish, farm, fuck and even fight - what more could you want?
You basically get a plot of land to turn into a farm, first by getting the land ready and then sowing the seeds of what you want to grow. You can venture out to sell your crops, buy new stuff and even form relationships with the other people in the town.
There are many other activities to do, like mining and fishing, which you'll come across as you journey out to investigate Stardew Valley itself.
More than just a game that's going to waste my time (in a good way), for me personally Stardew Vallley earns brownie points for the fact it was made by one person. The graphics, the programming, the music - everything. As someone who is trying to make my own games, I can understand the hard work and dedication it takes to put the right game together.
Deus Ex Mankind Divided
As if my little chat on Deus Ex Human Revolution hasn't sold you that these games are awesome already, they went and brought out another chance for us to live as Adam Jensen. Seriously, if you haven't read that chat yet - you're a gimp.
I love the way the themes touched on in the Deus Ex games fly over most people's heads like a Frisbee. It's easy to get lost in the Deus Ex Mankind Divided gameplay, graphics or awesome soundtrack, without even discussing the topics covered in the game whatsoever.
But if you want to get the most out of a title like this, you have to submerge yourself into every side mission or room that seems off the beaten track. It's the only real way to build the picture of the entire story on offer.
If you can look past the fact Fallout 4 is only a Fallout game in name only, then you're golden. If your opinion is Fallout 4 is a good Fallout game, then I fart in your general direction you clueless wonder.
But in all seriousness, if you're looking for a good game you could do a lot worse than Fallout 4 - as long as you don't judge it to previous Fallout game standards.
I put Wasteland 2 close to Fallout 4 in the hope some of Wastelands magic rubs off on it. But if you've never heard of Wasteland before, it's basically the game Fallout was based off.
The choices you make in Wasteland 2 actually have impact, from your character build to how to talk to someone all have a bearing on the gameplay. Meaning you can (and must) play through the game several times to get what the game has to fully offer.
While I wouldn't recommend anyone (other than those who want it for nostalgia) buy Wasteland 1. I can tell you buying Wasteland 2 and playing through it multiple times, might coast you through the wait until Wasteland 3 hits the shelves.
Just Cause 3
Just Cause 3 is complained about for being lacking in story and basically being an excuse to blow shit up. Well that sounds perfect to me.
Sometimes I want to play a game that is mindless stupid fun, with the emotional depth of Keanu Reeves. I just don't want to pay full price for that shit.
The reason I shared this list of games to buy in the Steam sales is I'm looking to buy them myself. The masses of games available and back log I've made by picking up games in the past (but not got round to playing yet), means that the Steam sales are not just a way of saving money. They now act as a reminder that new titles are coming out, when you might otherwise have not heard about them them.
I hope I put you on to buying something you'll enjoy, I'll keep looking to see if anything else catches my eye.